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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Jesus returns 438,957 years early to rapture entire Republican field from Earth



In a surprise move by the Son of Man today, the remaining Republicans vying to represent their party were raptured up to heaven earlier than originally planned. Jesus didn't mix words when he took the pulpit in Des Moines Iowa. "I'm sorry about all this America, but these guys didn't get the memo. Knew I should've been more clear about a few things".

News update: Reporters have just found Ron Paul hiding out in the porta potty. It looks as though Jesus left one.

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